This is one of these days that I want to wake up from and discover that I was just having a very bad dream.
I’ve been waiting to write this post for a very long time, as you can see by the photo.
Why didn’t I write it? I don’t know.
I was waiting until I got to know him better, as I was listening to his music with and without SHINee, watching a few interviews and reading a few articles.
I did like him from the first moment that I saw him because he was funny and weird and I like that, he also loved dogs and I like that and he had a beautiful voice and a beautiful face. Kind of wild with his hair and his nose.
He always reminded me of a wolf but he was so gentle.
My friend introduced me to SHINee, she’s been a Shawol for Five years and was cunningly trying to make me listen to them.
“Did you hear Onew yet, did you listen to Jonghyun?”
The first thing that I listened to was “Breathe”, I listened to it because of Lee Hi.
My friend then told me how Jonghyun wrote this song.
As I started listening to other songs, I bumped into his version of Alejandro Sanz’s ‘Y, ¿Si Fuera Ella?’.
Wow, how did he know that song? Did he like Alejandro Sanz, I like him too.
And so I started my journey into Jonghyun’s music.
Meanwhile, my friend was educating me with videos and information and part of this information was “Jonghyun cries a lot.”
“Why does he cry?”
“I don’t know, I guess that the music makes him emotional.”
I always thought it was strange, that he cried so much.
When Onew couldn’t perform with SHINee lately, my friend was wondering who was going to comfort Jonghyun when he cries, that was Onew’s part.
In fact, I saw a few tweets about it and I wondered again, as I saw Onew, hugging crying Jonghyun, is this what excitement looks like? It looks like his heart is breaking.
Yesterday, after an argument over depression with someone who was having fun with my distress and anger, I’ve decided to go back to a draft about depression that I also wanted to write for a while now and as I was checking the tabs on my browser, I came across an article about Jonghyun that I kept open for a very long time.
A beautiful, smart, talented, lonely man who thought that people didn’t want to know the real him.
“As tears fell, Jonghyun continued, “Before, I would want to show the real side of me because of the unfair things that people said about me, but I realized that it was impossible and tried to think why people thought of me in that manner.”
“I thought that people didn’t want to know the real me. There aren’t that many people who would want to know the real me. Of course, not much has changed since then, but if I were to express myself first, then wouldn’t they think differently?”
Today, as I was looking for my old draft about Jonghyun, I saw that his and the draft about depression came one after the other. Only Four days separates the both of them.
Depression is an illness, like any other but it’s harder to treat because it’s mental and not physical.
Depression can strike anyone, you family members, your teachers, your friends, your idols.
We are all just people.
Don’t judge, support.
This is a link that was part of the original draft that I was going to write back then.
I wanted to show how kind he was, how open minded, how willing he was to stand up for the things that he believes in.
I guess that this is a confused post because I’m confused, and very sad so you’ll have to forgive me as a member of the “Surviving with depression” club who lost today a very precious member.
I can’t listen to his songs for now so I won’t post anything, perhaps later on when things sink in.
Rest in peace, good soul. I hope that the pain is over now.